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Then you had an unfortunate childhood.
This would be the greatest double feature of all time:
(908): well that was a long night...
(609): dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
(908): no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
If you haven't heard of Mark Gormley, then you've obviously been living in some sort of cave, because he is THE entertainment act of 2009. Taking the music world by storm while still having time for his day job, Mark Gormley is what we all aspire to be - an entertainer without peer; a new generation of rock star; a prince amongst men.
The debut track "Little Wings" brought super stardom to Mark's front door, and it's not hard to see why. His powerful voice combines with a beautiful melody to create the stuff of legends. This song regularly brings tears to my eyes, such is it's power. Laugh if you will, but you won't be laughing when "Little Wings" melts YOUR FROZEN BLACK HEART into lovejuice. You will be too moved to laugh, and thats a fact:
Many thought it would be impossible to top this. It is a common thing to burn out after initial success but Mark came back bigger and better than ever with the multi-platinum hit "Without You". Featuring his trademark brand of roaring vocals, powerful imagery and guitar riffs that would make Led Zeppelin look like boy scouts, Mark smashed the disbelievers into a fine paste, then proceeded to have his army of groupies massage said paste into his muscled frame:
Many have speculated over whether Mark will be picking up a swag at the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards, but even if Mark actually gave a shit about the Grammy's (which he doesn't) he still wouldn't be at that joke of a ceremony. Mark Gormley doesn't need a shoddy piece of metal to cement his fame. It's already been done, and like the true artist he is, Mark will keep making glorious music and keep bringing light to the darkness until the end of time.
In the immortal words of TrUpAhMeN, President of the Mark Gormley Foundation:
"I've converted to the Church of Gormley and the lyrics to "Without You" are its holy text. Praise the powerstance! "
Praise be to the powerstance indeed. My life is different since I found Mark Gormley. Now let him affect you too.
Certainly helps make this animation more palatable.
Because there are too many mutha uckas
Uckin' with my shi-
The following factoids will put you in good stead for all future endeavors involving wimmenz:
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish ----> 49
Adventurous ----> Slept with all your friends
Athletic ----> No boobs
Average looking ----> Ugly
Beautiful ----> Pathological liar
Contagious Smile ----> Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure ----> On medication
Feminist ----> Fat
Free spirit ----> Junkie
Friendship first ----> Former slut
Fun ----> Annoying
Gentle ----> Dull
New Age ----> Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded ----> Desperate
Outgoing ----> Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate ----> Sloppy drunk
Poet ----> Depressive
Professional ----> Bitch
Romantic ----> Frigid
Voluptuous ----> Obese
Large frame ----> Hugely Obese
Wants Soul mate ----> Stalker
Widow ----> Murderer
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
In comparison... MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
These secrets worked for me... and they can work for you too!
NOW GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY!