The following factoids will put you in good stead for all future endeavors involving wimmenz:

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish ----> 49
Adventurous ----> Slept with all your friends
Athletic ----> No boobs
Average looking ----> Ugly
Beautiful ----> Pathological liar
Contagious Smile ----> Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure ----> On medication
Feminist ----> Fat
Free spirit ----> Junkie
Friendship first ----> Former slut
Fun ----> Annoying
Gentle ----> Dull
New Age ----> Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded ----> Desperate
Outgoing ----> Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate ----> Sloppy drunk
Poet ----> Depressive
Professional ----> Bitch
Romantic ----> Frigid
Voluptuous ----> Obese
Large frame ----> Hugely Obese
Wants Soul mate ----> Stalker
Widow ----> Murderer

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

In comparison... MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

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These secrets worked for me... and they can work for you too!

NOW GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY!